Reminders from a Scar

Lately, I catch myself thinking of Peter's cancer journey and amazed by how well he's doing. It's as if he never went through chemo or had cancer. When I get him dressed for the day or change his diaper I stare at his scar that takes up most of the right side of his rib cage. I'm reminded of many things: pain, praying hour by hour, uncertainty, suffering, and miracles. I'm reminded of how precious life is. I'm reminded of what's really important. The scar helps me focus and chill out about the things that stress me out during a normal mother's day.

I'm also reminded of Raul. We met Raul, a seventeen year boy, during Peter's fourth round of chemo in November. I was on my way to the oncology clinic with Peter for routine lab work in between chemo rounds. I was surprised when I got a call from the nurse on my cell phone making sure that I was bringing Peter's things to be admitted to the hospital that day. Some how I thought Peter wasn't due to start his forth round of chemo, which always began with a 4 - 5 day stay in the hospital, until the next week. After a confusing conversation with first the nurse and then the doctor, I was somewhat convinced that Peter was ready to start the last of the chemo. I was reassured by a peaceful feeling that all would be okay.

Then when we arrived at the hospital a few hours later to find the "clean" unit under construction. They wanted us to bring Peter around to the normal pediatric unit. I was freaking out inside because of Peter being immune compromised he shouldn't be around all the sickies. Peter was never allowed in that part of the pediatric wing before. So once again I tried to reason with the nurses and the doctor about the confusion in the schedule. But they insisted. And I once again had that reassuring, calm, peaceful feeling saying that it would all be okay.

Peter was admitted and the hydration was started. After a few hours the charge nurse came in to tell me that we would be getting a room mate. What??!!! She explained that it was another cancer/chemo patient and there was nothing else they could do. With the closer of the front unit and how busy it was we had to share rooms. Peter hadn't even been around his own cousins because of his low immune system how could he be around a total stranger and his family? I started loosing it again. The nurse continued to explain about Raul. He had just found out that he had cancer and would be getting his first dose tonight... She promised that as soon as a room opened Peter would get it. Once again I was calmed down by a reassuring feeling that all would be okay. Maybe this was happening to help Peter be more entertained through his last round of chemo. Maybe it was Heavenly Father's way of making things easier for Peter. This is what I told myself.

Chemo was started and the roommate had not shown up yet. Four hours went by and his nausea hadn't started yet. Wow. He was perfectly normal. Who would've known he had just been given chemo? And it was the heavy duty one that always makes him so ill. I was pleasantly surprised and counting our blessings. Peter was sleeping through the nausea. Amazing.

Late at night our room mate and his parents arrived. I can remember the nurses being relieved that he finally showed up. After the nurse talked to him and left the room Raul came over to our side of the room and opened up the curtain to introduce himself. When he saw Peter he got very emotionally and asked about him. I told him Peter's story and he told me his.

Six months ago Raul started lifting weights. After a month of doing that his shoulder became very sore. He thought he did something to it by lifting weights. He continued to weight lift. Finally after six months the pain was so bad that he went to the emergency room and after x-rays, then a MRI he was told he had cancer in the muscle and bone of his left arm. This all happened just a few days before meeting us.

I'll always remember how sweet Raul was after hearing Peter's story. He was touched and his heart went out to Peter. He had tears in his eyes and expressed how sorry he felt for Peter being so young and having to go through something so hard. We cried. I tried to explain that Peter was so young that he would never remember any of this and that we were sorry for him being 17 and how tough this must have been for him. We talked about religion and our faith. We talked about growing stronger through adversity. We talked about our prayers and love of Christ.

The next day Peter continued to do well. Raul would tell the nurses, techs, doctors, anybody who came into the room that if Peter could do chemo then he could too. I thought he was so brave.

I learned about Raul's dreams of the future. His parents were from Mexico. His father worked on a dairy in Norco. Raul wanted more for himself. He wanted to be a sheriff or fireman. He had already job shadowed with a sheriff. And that's why he took up weight lifting. We wanted to be strong.

When the doctor came in to check on us I heard the conversation she had with Raul. She explained all the procedures and why they were doing what they were doing, "We're doing all of this and hoping that we can save your arm..." Raul didn't hear that. He was listening but he didn't get it. I did though. As a mother I understood what she was saying. And then I understood how lucky Peter was. Peter was going to have half of his liver taken out but it would grow back. But an arm doesn't grow back. Raul remained youthfully optimistic.

Peter ended up getting really sick and we got our own room.

I never saw Raul again.

I asked about him the next time we were in. Cynthia, a child life specialist, was helping us out with Peter when he was admitted for a ct scan. She helps the children in the pediatric wing in all different ways. She told me that Peter made a huge impact on Raul. Raul was inspired by Peter. I was really surprised by that. A two year old inspiring a seventeen year old. Then she told me that when Raul first heard that he had cancer he was in denial. He didn't want to come to the hospital. He didn't want chemo. Nobody knew how to reach him. That was the night when he finally came to the hospital and was assigned to be our roommate. I guess seeing Peter asleep and resting peacefully that night gave Raul the courage to face cancer. So when he said, "If Peter can do it. So can I." He really meant it.

A scar can be a painful reminder of an injury but for me it's a reminder of blessings received.

New Adventures

This week was the first week of

"mommy preschool."

A long story.

So the brief version is Andrew, like Meagan and Addie, have gone to the Parent Participation preschool through Redlands Adult School, where I am actually the student. It's a parenting class. The parents learn about parenting while the preschoolers learn the joy of learning. Every body's happy. Another benefit of this wonderful program was the cost. Only $175 for a semester for the Monday, Wednesday, & Friday class, along with working one day in the class a week and attending a monthly parenting class.

This is turning out to be the long version. {sorry}

The funding was cut because of California's budget problems, and the program had some changes. Now it cost more. So we opted not to re-register Andrew for the next two months. {there's only so much money, you know} And now he has mommy preschool. Which means mommy is his new preschool teacher. Let the adventure begin!

Every day we work on things he should already know or at least that Meagan & Addie knew at his age. And it's really stressing me out. I don't know how my sister-in-law, Kristen, who is a preschool teacher of 20 or so does it. And she does it happily & well.

I'm not blaming anybody but myself and cancer. Peter's had a lot of my attention this past year and now it's Andrew's turn.

I'm grateful for new adventures.

We're playing a lot of alphabet & number games. I'm coming up with some fun ones all on my own. Then we went on our morning walk and discovered that the ladybugs had come to town. They are all over the place. So we started collecting them and ta-da, new game: count how many ladybugs we can capture.

I feel an art project coming on.

This Week's Buy

...was found at Costco today. These great t-shirts for the modest at heart.

You get 2 for $25 and they have black, white, yellow, and pink. Hurry over there because they'll be gone on Sunday.

Easter Celebrations

{Easter 2009}

Homemade Goodness

Let the bidding begin!

Last week this time, the Hallen home was a homemaking, baking, sewing mad house. It was a race to get all the projects finished for the Young Women's camp fundraiser - Ward Dinner/silent auction.

Mission complete. Meagan earned all her money for girls camp. Yeah!

If any of this looks good to you, we're taking orders. Name your price. Free delivery to Redlands area. Also, free delievery on a limited basis to Arizona for the weekend of April 18th.

Homemade butter garlic rolls, the perfect chocolate chip cookies, strawberry jam, a sampling of homemade cards, and embroideries by Meagan.

A Young Women's Weekend

"One virtuous young woman, lead by the spirit, can change the world." Pres. Elaine Dalton
I always want to remember this: mother/daughters only, weekend away. We started off in a rented car. It wasn't much to brag about but it worked, despite the audio tech problems. And it saved us a lot in gas $. { More money for shopping.} That was motivation enough for us to drive the smoker rental. Smoker because it smelt of cigarettes. I'll try not to complain any more about that. Anyway...

We finally arrived at Laura's on Thursday after dinner. We drove through wind, dust, and a little snow, singing & talking the whole way. We all feel in love with Harrison. What a sweetie pie. He never cries. Never. I've never had a baby like him. Laura is one lucky mother.

Friday, after spending the morning babysitting Harrison, we started the shopping. So fun. The best deal of the weekend {of our lifetime} was found at the outlet mall in Park City. Meagan bought three pair of skinny jeans for $1 each. Unbelievable! That was a success. Addie found some really cute green converse type shoes & outfit to match.

We visited Uncle Monte & Aunt Diane. I love visiting them. They always make me laugh. They gave us YW Conference tickets- A big thank you to John's cousin, Debbie, for that.

Saturday went by so quickly. We started with a tour of the Prophets grave sites at the SLC cemetery. (Meagan is working on the Faith value for personal progress and learning about the prophets is part of her project)Thirteenish of them are buried there. I loved the site at Pres. Hinckley's grave. Fresh flowers were on display with one big snow ball with sunflowers coming out of it. So sweet. We could picture grand children or great grandchildren bringing him & his wife flowers and playing in the snow. We stopped at Brigham Young's grave, which is at a different location. Then we toured the Beehive house. B.Y. was a very busy man. He was the prophet, the governor of the Utah territory, the superintendent of the Indian Affairs, had 25 wives, and who knows how many children. At the very end of the tour the sister missionaries told us something that has stuck with me. "Out of all his important and busy duties, he said that his most important responsibility was his children and family." I loved that.

Then to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, one of my favorite places. We had lunch in the Garden Restaurant on the 10th floor, overlooking the Temple. Beautiful day and view and delicious food. The girls loved it.

I took the girls to our old little home on Windsor Street. I loved living in Salt Lake. It was a simple, sweet life. We visited with an old neighbor, Brother Eldredge. He doesn't remember us anymore. He's 91 yrs old. He has 119 great grandchildren. He remembered that. He was such a good neighbor.

After a short rest at Laura's we were off again to the conference. We had to park half a mile away and walk fast to get to our seats. So much traffic. Poor Addie had to take off her shoes and walk barefooted because her shoes were not the best for race walking in. We made it. We had wonderful seats and found John's other cousin, Mindy, and her daughter Meghan. There's always family around.

What a great opportunity to attend YW Conference in person. To see the Prophet walk in to the meeting. A quiet reverence settled over the congregation. It's great to feel the spirit so strong and hear in person the message that Heavenly Father has for us.

Every one spoke of Virtue. A return to Virtue. So the girls and I are working on Pres. Monson's challenge. He spoke of three things. Having courage to refrain from judging. Sounds easy, but it's harder than one might think. Can you make an observation about someone or is that still judging? See it's hard. 2. Have courage to be virtuous, 3. have courage to stand firm for truth & righteousness.

We returned home on Sunday, uplifted and united. The only thing I would change next time is to make sure John comes along. Boy, we missed him and his driving ability. It was such a long way home. It took forever. Twelve hours. Not fun to drive through Las Vegas on a Sunday.

How nice to come home to a house full of boys.

And We're Off

These three ...

are taking an all girls weekend trip to...

to do a lot of kissing & holding with...

and do a little of this...

minus the dog


and a lot of this


oh, and most importantly to go to


Be back soon.

Treasure Hunt

How to get your visiting teaching done on Spring Break:

Feeling Lucky

I feel like we're coming into the light again. Life is getting back to normal.

Then came the good news from Monday's ct scan that Peter had done. No signs of any cancer. And the AFP is at an all time low: 3.3!

I know it's more than luck. It's more prayers answered. We're grateful parents to have more beautiful days to enjoy and love our children in the now.

Saturday is a special day...

I've been on a blogging hiatus. Unintentional of course. And no, I haven't converted to the dark side of face book, totally, that is. Looks fun but there's only so much time in a day and I'm just trying to get used to life without the constant worry of Peter's health.

These past few weeks have been hectic. It's hard getting back into the swing of things, real life. I've actually caught myself thinking that life was simpler when I had only Peter & cancer to deal with and not, book fair, stake young women's calling, field trips, play dates, L & G club, science fair project, musical festivals for two, violin practices, school concerts, preschool, new puppy, and spring fever. I could go on and on.

I'll spare you the details of these past few weeks. I think you get the jest of it. Instead, here's what we did on Saturday. It was a special day...

Don't you just despise long post?

Andrew & John off to t-ball practice. This is Andrew's first year at organized sports. After the first practice a few weeks ago, he said that he had fun and didn't need to do that for another year. It was a hot day and the children were finished learning the game. Most of them were playing in the dirt. Then the ice cream cart came around and the coach knew he had lost them so he treated them to an ice cream break. This is the only time I saw Andrew run. Now I know what motivates him. Ice cream. I'm sure he doesn't get that from me.
Peter & I were off to Relay for Life, down the street at the high school track. Sweet Isabella, one of the young women from the ward, invited me & Peter to walk the survivor lap at the cancer benefit.

It turned out to be an amazing experience for me. We were given purple t-shirts that said survivor on the back. They didn't have a t-shirt small enough for Peter. I think Peter was the only child cancer survivor there. There was a short ceremony with very inspiring words said. Then all the survivors were asked to start off the 24hour walk fundraiser by doing the first lap around the track. The circumference of the track was lined with people, much of which were high school students, that cheered us on. Applauding us for fighting and beating cancer. I held Peter's hand with his shirt draped over his shoulder. I'll always remember the scene of 30 people or so in purple shirts walking in front of me and seeing the backs of their shirts that read survivor. I wish I had a picture of that.

It was one of the only times I didn't feel ashamed that we had cancer. Instead, I felt proud that we survived it. The kindness of strangers! I also felt encouraged and inspired. I need to get involved. I'll be back there next year with a team. Maybe we'll call it Peter's Peeps. John's idea.

The picture of the black skirt??? I promised, {bribed} Addie with a new black skirt if she stuck out three long weeks of difficult violin lessons, weekly 4 hour practices, and daily practices. She was invited to be in the All county honors orchestra. Proud parent moment. {please excuse the round about bragging} She did it. And we never had a chance to go shopping for that black skirt, besides, we're trying to save our money for an all girls trip to SLC, for young women's conference in a couple of weeks.

I had a flash of genius {or a desperate moment} and found an old t-shirt type dress in my closet and sewed all afternoon and made Addie this cute little nothing black skirt. At this time in my life, I guess that I have more time than money. How refreshing to sew again. But I'm sure Addie would've preferred a store bought skirt but she seemed grateful. Sweet daughter.

Peter found the bottle of lotion, again.

Addie performed at the amazing University of Redlands Chapel in the All County Elementary Honor Orchestra. She played second violin. Four songs in all. Beautiful! What a great night. I feel so blessed to have children who enjoy playing music. I'm a lucky mother. Great job Addie.

And then there's Meagan...This is actually a picture from today, Sunday. Yesterday, she held down the fort for us and she kept the couch warm. She was suffering from spring fever. Overwhelmed with the sheer joy of no school for the next two weeks. She was in a state of temporary coma.

The biggest accomplishment achieved on Saturday was awarded to John for running eight miles and then planting part of the garden. He's the MAN!

Every day he gives me flowers

In October, John planted hundreds of daffodil bulbs. He is quite the farmer. He loves planting gardens of all sorts. Flower. Vegetable. Tree.

Now it's March and I get fresh flowers outside and in.

The other day I wondered where Andrew was and what he was up to. And this is a picture I'll remember forever.

















He picks me flowers every day. Thanks to my farmer John who plants them every season.

Bonus Buy Week

I had three hours to find coats for Meagan and Addie for their Utah trip. So we went to Gottchalks in San Berghetto on a tip from a friend to find them. When I passed the Clinique counter I had to stop for some products that I was totally out of. The first question I always ask is when is the Bonus Buy Week. That's when you can buy $30 in product and you get little samples of 6 or 7 other products for free. I love it. Anything for free is always a good thing.

Just my luck it wasn't starting until the next week. The Sales woman was itching for a commission and was really working on me to buy it now and come back for the bonus and more next week. There's only so much money and time you know.

So I tried to put here off by telling her that I couldn't remember which clarifying lotion # I needed. That lead us to the little slider questionnaire - quiz thing. She proceeded to quiz me on my skin. (oh, you have to know that this was during the 10 day stay with Peter in the hospital. I was on day 7 of that stay. And remember I was out of my clinique stuff, so my face had not been properly washed for a few days. Gross. I know. But life was not normal- but the CLinique lady doesn't know this.)

First question: "If you don't wear sunblock and you're in the sun does your face get sun burnt?"
answer: Yes... I mean. We live in So. California. It's sunny and hot here.
Then she followed up with, "But does it turn into a tan?"
Okay that's a yes, (after the peeling and if you count the patch of new freckles a tan).

Second question: "Do you have break outs?"
answer: No. (unless you count this little trip to the mall a break out)
follow up: "How about once a month?" (why doesn't she believe me?)
answer: oh, okay...

Third question: "Where on your face are you worried about lines?"
answer: I looked at her and thought to myself, "I'm not worried about any lines." Then she must have read my mind because then she handed me a mirror. Oh, the nerve of this woman. So I looked in the mirror and said, "Ah, I guess around my eyes???" (Like I was asking her if that's where she was worried about my lines.)
follow up: "Then she said out loud, "several areas" and moved the slider to that little slot."

I was not having fun with this game, but it looked like she was.

Then the next question: "Do you have oily skin?"
answer: Not anymore.
follow up: "Like, around your nose and forehead."
answer: "Okay!" (Notice the exclamation mark!!!)

Then she tallied up my answers and told me that I failed and nothing would help me. I was beyond help. No. Just kidding.

This was her next comment. I loved it. "Your face would benefit from many of our products."

I think because Meagan was standing next to me that I held it together and politely said that we ran out of time and would just purchase the products at the Redlands store instead.

I was looking so forward to doing just that until one morning last week I had a break out. A huge, enormous, 16 year old adolescent pimple for everyone to see right under my nose. It's so big, even the puppy barks at me. I don't dare show my face around a clinique counter now.

So long bonus buy week.

Welcome New Members to the Hallen Fold

There are two new members of the Hallen Family we'd like to show off.

This is sweet little Harry, as grandma calls him. His official name is Harrison Hallen James. He belongs to Laura and Rob, John's youngest sister. The Family migrated up to Utah over President's weekend for the baby blessing. Meagan & Addie drove up with Grandma & Grandpa to chaperon and keep things lively. Gary's family followed keeping grandpa on a timely schedule. Kristen's family came from Washington and John, Andrew, Peter & I stayed home recovering from the ten day and final stay in the hospital. Oh, we missed out on a lot of family fun: snowball fights, swimming in the hotel, Temple Square, Church Museum, movie, blessing, family luncheon and more.

What a sweetie. I hope to see him soon and hold him and get some real baby time with a newborn. Some say he looks a little like Andrew at this young age. I see a whole lot of Rob in him. I think that I'm going to call him sweet checks. And look how great Thys is at holding his new little cousin.

Here's the second newest member

A whole different kind of cuteness.

This is Boog Hallen. He belongs to Peter, Andrew, & the girls. While the girls were up in Utah we went out dog shopping to fill their void. No, we told the children that after Peter's cancer was over we would get a puppy. We researched and studied and we all decided on either a St. Bernard or Bernice Mountain dog. Then we found Boog. He's named after the bear on the movie Open Season. Peter loves that movie. It got us through these past eight months.

He's four months old. He has really big paws and he's good natured, so far. He's starting to eat a lot. And that only means one thing. Lots of poo. So it's a good thing we have three children who were just trained today on how to pick up that.

I was hoping for a little break and a slow transition into life again. I was wrong. No resting. This is life. But we have four happy children and I get to cross off #13 from my some day soon list. That's a plus!

Happy Ending

Peter's eight month battle has come to an end. A happy one. He's in the clear. No more chemo, no more central line, and no more cancer. What a blessing. What a miracle.

He's going to be followed very closely for the next four years, which is very reassuring. So we are on our way to living life again. We will not let the fear of the slight possibility of the cancer returning hang over us or over come our thoughts. We realize better now how precious life is and we're determined to enjoy each day more than before. It's a little sad to me that it takes having a child suffer through cancer to really understand that. I'm sure there are many people that already get this but I wasn't one of them. I am now.

We will always remember the love, support, and daily help that Grandma and Grandpa Hallen have given us these past eight months. We've been trying to think of a way or a gift to give them to say thank you for all they've sacrificed for us but there's nothing that we could give that would ever be enough. Their kindness and unselfish service has been a great example of our Savior's love. We thank Heavenly Father every day for them. I hope they will be able to get back to living their life and doing the things that they have looked forward to doing before this came up. One of the greatest blessing in all of this is that some very fortunate grandchildren have learned the importance of family. And we belong to a great one.

There have been many others: family, friends, ward family, doctors & nurses, and even strangers that have reached out to us during this difficult time. It has been very touching to be on the receiving end of so much love and thoughtfulness. So many have prayed for Peter and those prayers have been answered. It has been amazing to feel the power of those prayers. It's what has gotten us through this. So thank you, thank you, thank you. A million times, thank you.

Our knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father has been deepened. His love has cushioned the hard and trying times. I don't know how we would've made it with out feeling his love. It has made all the difference. Prayer really is the answer, especially when you've tried everything else. He can't always take away the pain or suffering but he's able to ease it.

I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and my children have learned through this. Our family is stronger for it. Our faith is strengthen because of it.

One Day Soon

I'm home again for a little R & R. We've been in the hopsital since Friday night. Peter's actually doing very well. I'm sorry to any parent who has a child that has ever had to be on I.V. antibiotics. It's a long 7 to 10 day stay in the hospital. Which leads me to a new list. You know how I love lists?

I've been saying, "one day soon..." a lot lately. So at 1 am when I couldn't go back to sleep I started to make a mental note of my list.

One day soon:

1. ...I'm going to be able to throw away all of Peter's onesies. (I have to keep him in onesies to keep his curious fingers from playing with his central line, aka: his babies.)
2. we'll be able to have friends over for play dates.
3. we'll be able to take Peter to the Park.
4. we won't have to say "chemo" anymore.
5. Peter will be able to take a normal bath with lots of water.
6. no more weekend antibiotics.
7. no more daily, no hourly, worry of a central line.
8. Peter won't be scratching the rash on his chest caused by the dressing over his central line.
9. I won't have to type the word central line and wonder if people know what I'm talking about.
10. John & I will be able to go to the temple together again and not worry that we can't be reached if something goes wrong with Peter.
11. we will have friends over for dinner again and the missionaries too.
12. get rid of the tadpoles. They still haven't grown any legs. Something is definitely wrong.
13. we will get a puppy.
14. I won't have to pack all of Peter's favorite toys and movies in duffel bags for hospital stays.
15. cancer will be a memory.
16. I will catch up on all my thank you notes to doctors, nurses, friends, family, strangers, Pres. Bush, & our ward family.
17. I will help out other families who are new to childhood cancer. {Get ready friends. I'm going to need your help.}
18. John and I are going to have our bed back to ourselves. Sorry Peter, the time is coming for you to move on to your bed. We'll see how that goes...
19. I'll be back to doing the car pool. Thanks Grandpa, Grandma, & Amy!!!
20. start up the card exchange again.
21. I'll be able to trade babysitting with friends again.
22. I'll be able to take Peter to church with us and reacquaint him to the nursery.

Don't get me wrong. Saying, "one day soon..." is not the same or even close to saying, "I'll be happy when..." I'm already happy. I'm just looking forward to my one day soon.

I hope to share some really good news tomorrow or one day soon. I don't want to jinks it so you'll have to check back one day soon.

There's a silver lining

How beautiful is this? Well, the camera wasn't able to capture the true beauty of this sunrise. {Notice how I blame the camera. Couldn't be the one working the camera that's the problem.} But it was an exceptional sunrise the other morning so I had to take it's picture.

Just a quick update on Peter. He has just one last round of chemo to go. Last week because of his low white count it was postponed. All I want is to get this over with. So when Wednesday rolled around again and his lab work came back good we were looking forward to this all coming to an end very soon.

Then there was a change in events. We checked in Wednesday night so he could be hydrated for the chemo to start in the morning on Thursday. Then two hours later at midnight, during normal vitals check, the nurse was alarmed when the thermometer read 102 degrees. He has a temperature!The lights went on. The crew came in. It's a serious thing to have a temperature on the oncology ward I found out. The blood work was sent to the lab and antibiotics were given. The waiting game is not a fun game to play, especially with a two year old in a hospital room.

By Friday, Peter was back to normal. The first of the blood cultures came back negative. And the doctor sent us home in the evening.

Then two hours later. The doctor called and told us that we had to bring him back immediately. "His blood is infected" {I snuck in a shower first} But he looked totally fine.

Peter has been very fortunate not to have an infection this whole time through chemo. It's common with chemo patients having Central lines.

I keep thinking how blessed we were that Peter was in the hospital when he got the temp and they were able to start antibiotics right away. What a blessing. This kind of infection can be very serious. Heavenly Father is trying to make this as easy as possible for us. I know that and I am grateful.

And I'm learning that life doesn't go according to my schedule. What's my hurry anyway???

So John's with Peter and I'm home for the afternoon. Oh, to lay in my bed. What a wonderful thing. I didn't, couldn't sleep. But that's okay. I just rested under my feather down comforter. Warm. Listening to the rain and resting. It felt good. Trying not to feel guilty that Peter's at the hospital. The good thing, he's having fun with dad. I'm sure he's getting some daddy juice and watching movies.

We're hoping to be home tomorrow night. I get to be nurse mommy for the week. Yet another skill I get to learn. How to administer antibiotics in his Central line.

I should have been a nurse.

Last time

I just have to show off Peter's beautiful head of new hair. It came in a lot lighter and to our surprise, thick. Sometimes after chemo the hair goes back in thin at first.

And the other surprise it didn't fall out this time. Tender mercies...

We're off to the hospital tonight to start the last round of chemo. Not looking forward to the next two days, but I know he'll get through it, thanks to lots of prayers.

Thankful for prayers.

The light at the end of the tunnel is in view.

Weekly Inspiration

This picture of Peter was my "weekly inspiration."

I had a cold this past weekend and felt terrible. I stayed in bed on Sunday to get extra rest. I'm still trying to get over it.

What a pleasant surprise to happen upon this photo today, of "Peter the Great" helping his dad build the play set. Addie took it on Saturday.

Please, nobody tell him that he isn't feeling well.

Where does he find the energy? I think it comes down to one thing. Desire. He wants to be out there with Dad and Andrew. He doesn't let the lack of energy or illness keep him down.

I've heard Dr. Laura talk about not giving into the "but, I don't feel like it" mentality.

So Peter wanted to go on a walk this morning and I "didn't feel like it." A little bell sounded in my head and...I put down the dish towel and we went on a walk. This time no stroller. Peter's hand in mine and Andrew on his scooter. We ran down the block chasing Andrew, Peter laughing the whole way. Me, smiling, grateful to have two happy boys. We stopped for rocks, bugs, and foxtails.

Even boys like picnics

I heard on the news this morning that seven states were under "a state of emergency" due to severe winter storms. So on their behalf the boys and I had a lunch picnic. How could we not? I would've felt guilty if we had chosen to stay indoors on a nice warm sunny winter day.
We ate simply. Peanut butter sandwiches, wheat thins with cream cheese, and Doritos. The conversation was even more simple. And funny. Andrew always comes up with good "what ifs?" He gets excited for the slightest of wind, always wanting to fly a kite.

Boys are so different. Could life really be this simple?

When the cup of water and ice tipped over I put a small piece of ice down Andrew's shirt and he loved it. Laughing and screaming. I won't mention any names, but I know a daughter that would not have thought that was so fun. {and a mommy; yes me}

Beautiful day.

Note to self: Remember to take time for more picnics.

Truly Inspirational Tuesday

I'm trying something new. I've always felt sorry for Tuesday. It's kind of over looked because Monday is so huge, even though it's dreaded. Wednesday is hump day. We all look forward to it. It means we're half way through the week. And Thursday is always a breeze. Then there's Friday. I love Friday. When I pick up the children from school they're excited and always in a good mood. We order pizza. Watch a movie. Play a game. Fun Friday! Then Saturday...garage sale shopping. You know how I love that. Finally, Sunday. Lovely Sabbath day says it all.

But what about Tuesday?

So out of pity I'm starting something new with my blog. Truly Inspirational Tuesday. Today I'm posting an amazing email that I received from a few friends yesterday. Wait...Someone is trying to tell me something???

Well I got the message loud and clear. And I hope you do too.

Invisible Mother......
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.


And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.