Happy Ending

Peter's eight month battle has come to an end. A happy one. He's in the clear. No more chemo, no more central line, and no more cancer. What a blessing. What a miracle.

He's going to be followed very closely for the next four years, which is very reassuring. So we are on our way to living life again. We will not let the fear of the slight possibility of the cancer returning hang over us or over come our thoughts. We realize better now how precious life is and we're determined to enjoy each day more than before. It's a little sad to me that it takes having a child suffer through cancer to really understand that. I'm sure there are many people that already get this but I wasn't one of them. I am now.

We will always remember the love, support, and daily help that Grandma and Grandpa Hallen have given us these past eight months. We've been trying to think of a way or a gift to give them to say thank you for all they've sacrificed for us but there's nothing that we could give that would ever be enough. Their kindness and unselfish service has been a great example of our Savior's love. We thank Heavenly Father every day for them. I hope they will be able to get back to living their life and doing the things that they have looked forward to doing before this came up. One of the greatest blessing in all of this is that some very fortunate grandchildren have learned the importance of family. And we belong to a great one.

There have been many others: family, friends, ward family, doctors & nurses, and even strangers that have reached out to us during this difficult time. It has been very touching to be on the receiving end of so much love and thoughtfulness. So many have prayed for Peter and those prayers have been answered. It has been amazing to feel the power of those prayers. It's what has gotten us through this. So thank you, thank you, thank you. A million times, thank you.

Our knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father has been deepened. His love has cushioned the hard and trying times. I don't know how we would've made it with out feeling his love. It has made all the difference. Prayer really is the answer, especially when you've tried everything else. He can't always take away the pain or suffering but he's able to ease it.

I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned and my children have learned through this. Our family is stronger for it. Our faith is strengthen because of it.

One Day Soon

I'm home again for a little R & R. We've been in the hopsital since Friday night. Peter's actually doing very well. I'm sorry to any parent who has a child that has ever had to be on I.V. antibiotics. It's a long 7 to 10 day stay in the hospital. Which leads me to a new list. You know how I love lists?

I've been saying, "one day soon..." a lot lately. So at 1 am when I couldn't go back to sleep I started to make a mental note of my list.

One day soon:

1. ...I'm going to be able to throw away all of Peter's onesies. (I have to keep him in onesies to keep his curious fingers from playing with his central line, aka: his babies.)
2. we'll be able to have friends over for play dates.
3. we'll be able to take Peter to the Park.
4. we won't have to say "chemo" anymore.
5. Peter will be able to take a normal bath with lots of water.
6. no more weekend antibiotics.
7. no more daily, no hourly, worry of a central line.
8. Peter won't be scratching the rash on his chest caused by the dressing over his central line.
9. I won't have to type the word central line and wonder if people know what I'm talking about.
10. John & I will be able to go to the temple together again and not worry that we can't be reached if something goes wrong with Peter.
11. we will have friends over for dinner again and the missionaries too.
12. get rid of the tadpoles. They still haven't grown any legs. Something is definitely wrong.
13. we will get a puppy.
14. I won't have to pack all of Peter's favorite toys and movies in duffel bags for hospital stays.
15. cancer will be a memory.
16. I will catch up on all my thank you notes to doctors, nurses, friends, family, strangers, Pres. Bush, & our ward family.
17. I will help out other families who are new to childhood cancer. {Get ready friends. I'm going to need your help.}
18. John and I are going to have our bed back to ourselves. Sorry Peter, the time is coming for you to move on to your bed. We'll see how that goes...
19. I'll be back to doing the car pool. Thanks Grandpa, Grandma, & Amy!!!
20. start up the card exchange again.
21. I'll be able to trade babysitting with friends again.
22. I'll be able to take Peter to church with us and reacquaint him to the nursery.

Don't get me wrong. Saying, "one day soon..." is not the same or even close to saying, "I'll be happy when..." I'm already happy. I'm just looking forward to my one day soon.

I hope to share some really good news tomorrow or one day soon. I don't want to jinks it so you'll have to check back one day soon.

Looking ahead

We've been enjoying having Peter more like himself. Happy. The holidays were wonderful. Christmas was amazing. We were receivers this year of many thoughtful generous family,friends, and strangers. Thank you to all the angels that helped make it a memorable one. We felt so loved and thought of, which does something to our souls that is hard to explain. The kindness and compassion of these angels some how helps us feel the love our Heavenly Father has for us. Knowing and feeling this love gives us comfort, encouragement, and peace. All the things needed to help us deal with the challenges facing us.

When the doctor called last Monday to inform us about the recommendation of the expert on hepatoblastoma I was not surprise to hear what it was. More chemotherapy. Just to be sure. We want to be sure that we've done everything to get rid of this cancer, so we're willing to do the recommended two more rounds. Six more weeks. Peter will loose his hair again and for a couple of months he'll loose his laugh, his energy, and feeling good. The dread sit in. It's not fun to feel dreadful. Not a good way to start the new year. So I distracted myself with being with family and more celebrating of the New Year.

The last thing we did before we left for the hospital on New Year's day night was having the missionaries over for dinner. We made them breakfast. We enjoyed having them over and getting to know them. We've missed having the missionaries since August. What a wonderful spirit they brought into our home. After dinner they gave us a lesson on hope. Not a coincidence. Yet another example of the love Heavenly Father has for us, knowing I needed something extra. I think hope is the direct opposite of dread.

Off to the hospital hopeful; where we are blessed with kind hearted, skilled nurses and doctors.

Peter didn't fight this time. Maybe that's why the chemo hit him so hard. For 48 hours he was very sick. Then the magical hour came and it was out of his body and a new day. And I know I've described how it is driving home with him from the hospital before. Pure enjoyment. We left at noon. The sun was bright. The sky was blue {yes, even in polluted California} And a big smile on Peter's face. If I could read his thoughts I think he was thinking and noticing the beauty of this world and being alive to enjoy it. He probably thought he was never going to get out of that hospital room, or just grateful to finally be out again. That's what is so amazing about children. They bounce back quickly. And I am in awe of him. I'm just trying to keep up with him and this experience and all the insights that I'm learning because of cancer.

The main insight is that we all have a loving Heavenly Father that cares about us and what we're going through. He wants us to be happy and have joy. He sends others, family, friends, strangers, to help us feel that sometimes when were struggling. I'm looking forward to playing that role better in the future.

Some of My Favorite Sayings...

I have to take a minute tonight to write down some of my favorite Andrew questions, answers, chattering, and sayings or else I will forget. Oh, I don't want to ever forget the fun words and phrases that he derives up and that forever runs endlessly out of his five year old mouth.

On Saturday John took Andrew with him to run some errands. When they came back I was making lunch and asked Andrew if he wanted some. He's always hungry. But he didn't want anything to eat. Suspicious. I asked him if they ate out for lunch. He tried really hard to ignore me. Then finally said, "I'm not suppose to tell you. You might get sad."

The other moment that puts a smile on my face every time I think about it happened a few months ago. After we ate the apple cider mini donuts we stopped to look at the hillside of goats on display. Peter's love of animals encourages us to spend time animal watching. Then Addie heard a goat pass gas {I can't bring my self to say or even spell the word far(t)} That felt wrong. She was totally offended. I guess she didn't know that animals do that. She was so grossed out it was funny. Then she made a big deal when she smelt it. Hang in there. I know this is getting disgusting...And this is what makes me laugh. Andrew asked her, "What does it smell like." Who thinks like that??? Boys. Or maybe just Andrew.

There are so many more...look at me forgetting already. So sad.

I'm devoting the title: Some of My Favorite Sayings to Andrew. More to come.

By the way, the picture above is Andrew holding a almost dead lizard. He found it "taking a nap" in a bucket of water in the back yard. He's not dead. He's eyes are closed because he's tired and taking a nap.

It is a boy thing...

After I went to bed I remember something else that I wanted to write about. These past few weeks Andrew has been asking some pretty tough questions about cancer and Peter. The questions sound really easy and simple in context. "Mom, how did Peter get cancer?" Then the next day, "Mom, When will the Peter's cancer be over?" And other questions just like those. Simple yet complicated. These are questions I've asked myself also. The answers aren't there. So I just give simple replies. I try to reassure him that it will all be okay. Peter will be okay. I wonder if he's asking because he is worried that he might get cancer too. When somebody in the family has cancer it's like everybody having it. It's been tough on Andrew. I can't even explain all the different ways. Peter gets a lot of our attention. Andrew has to give in to Peter all the time with his toys or anything. We have a lot of work, and catching up to do when Peter is healed of this.

One thing amazing to me is through this difficult time the children, even Andrew, have never complained about any of it. I want to always remember that not only have they not complained they have excelled in their school work and other responsibilities. I can't even say that for myself. There they go. Teaching me.

I can't wait to give Andrew the answer when he asks, "Is Peter's cancer gone today?"

"Yes. It is."